I think until I am able to dance and sing without fear, I won’t amount to much.
Tag Archives: lost entries
Eww, I catharted all over myself
LSC Scott and I chatted tonight:
“lisa…you and i are a lot alike, i think…we’ve always been the happy-go-lucky goofballs…and to maintain that image, we suppressed our sadness and our anger and the like…and i think its finally rising to the surface…and we don’t know how to deal with it b/c we’ve never had to before…that’s my take on what’s happening to me anyway…
its not that we’re anymore depressed or sad than anyone else in the world…its just that we’ve never let ourselves deal with it before…but there is only so much you can suppress before it finally overflows…and after 22ish years, that overflow point may have been reached…”
He’s right, you know. I am “okay”, but only because I don’t want people to make a fuss. I said to Brendan “There is something broken inside of me…” but he didn’t think so. I think it’s always been there. Way back in high school it kindled. In college, I would sneak over to Rodes and cry and cry onto Brendan, but I never knew what was wrong. I cried a lot more than that, there were weeks where there wouldn’t be a night that passed with dry eyes. I just never told anyone, because they all looked so worried when they caught me.
Some people have been attributing what’s happening to me to not dating Carleton anymore, I think, because it is immediate (several months immediate, anyway). And while I do miss him (though I miss the physical proximity of our friendship even more) and while it was a sad thing for me, that is not what is broken. He could even see that. That’s what I always did, anyway, I attributed it to whatever was at hand. “Why can’t I stop crying?? It must be classes/finals/sickness/my carpal tunnel/whatever.”
That’s why I’m so anxious to be where and with whom I feel safe. Don’t worry, I’m gonna talk to someone. As per usual, trying to explain what is going on to the world is the most difficult part. I’m sure this post will only come off as a sliver.
Computer Madness
Oy vey what a weekend! It’s like being back and school, only I *want* to be frantically futzing over web sites.
The first one is the web site I’m getting paid for. Since it is my first “job” site, I wanted to be sure and make it all Dr. Professional and stuff. I’m very proud of myself, using lots of new CSS I hadn’t played with before, no tables in sight (unless I *need* one for real and not for layout), and I’ve checked it in no less than 8 BILLION different browsers to make sure it looks okay. For a simple, informational website, it is quite a lot of work! I might get to do some web database stuff for the same people once it’s up.
On the second hand, since Brendan is very busy, and since I’ve suddenly found a lot of new time on my hands, I’m helping Will (Jaster) with his super secret website for his super secret secret project of secretness. Of course I can’t say much more, but the project has been a huge learning experience for me, as I’ve thrown myself in the midst of managing and building things that i don’t *really* know how to do.
As far as “how I’m doing” in general, I’m still wavering someplace in “okay”. I am happy to be able to frequently visit Brendan and Maria and Dave (though I do miss Ken and D Flo). I have decided that the only thing I really need in my life is to be close to one or more of them, where I feel safe. However, I am still trying to reconcile my emotions and my logic, and that can cause some painful friction. I have mostly just loaded myself up with personal projects, so i am always doing something.
I think things are going to be okay.
Dream Post?
I always feel a little guilty making journal posts about dreams, because I have a hard time reading about other people’s dreams, and I know the same must be true in reverse. Plus, I know that a dream always seems way cooler to you than it is to the people you’re telling.
…but this one is really REALLY cool I promise!!!
The past few nights I have been plagued with dreams that are so realistic that I am absolutely convinced they are happening for real, but last night’s was the strongest.
I dreamed that you could access Google Maps on your cell phone, and if you zoomed in far enough on the map, when you looked up, you were in that location! I thought this would be a very good way to visit Ken, so I typed in “New Orleans” and zoomed in until I found a place on the map that looked very similar to a map he showed me once to show where he lived and worked. Even in the dream, I knew this was shaky logic, but I tried it anyway.
So I looked up, and sure enough, there I was in New Orleans. After wandering around nervously for a bit, I ran into Ken! “Heeey!” said Ken, “what are you doing here?” And I told him about Google Maps, and he took me to his place and we hung out and it was awesome.
I was so convinced that this was really happening, that when a phone call woke me up from my dream, after I hung up, I was all ready to go find my cell phone so I could go visit Ken. Then brain was like “psst, Lisa, you’re awake now…” and I felt really dumb.
The moral of the story is, I miss Ken and he should visit soon!
Although, if I visit Ken in New Orleans and it looked like it did in my dream, I’m gonna totally freak out
Ah, Kentucky
Sunday it was 60 degrees and sunny, yesterday a rainstorm, today it snows. It’s good to be home.
In other news, on Sunday, acquaintances Panda and Terzy came over to donate their faces to my cause. Meaning I’m building masks, I needed plaster positives of a boy face and girl face, and they were willing to be buried alive and breath through nose straws.
Embarrassing Photos!
I’ve already started making a mask off one.
Uggghhh
Dammit, Kentucky, I move back here and then you have to go do something unforgivably stupid.
Homecoming
Well, I’m back home in Louisville. It was a long drive but not entirely unpleasant.
Mom planned to have a gathering the evening I got home (probably so I didn’t slip into a depression, which was a good idea). My brother and sister-in-law came over, plus Brendan and Maria, as well as a few friends of the family. We had chili and played WarioWare and MarioKart, swiftly taking in Eric and Mary Beth and getting them appropriately addicted.
Since Dave couldn’t make it last evening, I went over to visit him tonight. We went to the all-famous Pie Kitchen, where I engaged in my endless struggle to decide which slice of pie to get, or maybe just get 2 slices, 1 of each flavor, or maybe I should get ice cream. Anyway, Evan was there!!! So exciting! I haven’t seen him in forever. It was nice to catch up with everybody.
In the meantime, I’ve been unpacking and cleaning, moving back in the home. I will admit, it is good to be home, although I will miss hanging out with Carleton very much. He and his brother, Scott, have promised to come visit this summer, though, which should be exciting and fun. Right now I’m just drained at the prospect of job hunting, but I have unloaded a ton of art projects onto myself to keep me busy in the meantime.
Junior High Education
From Denali, as we were both discussing our disappointment with Girl Scouts in our youth, because we thought that it was supposed to be like Boy Scouts only for girls…
“Jr. High’s science class made up for it, though. Alaska being Alaska, a year of science class was dedicated to wilderness survival. They taught us everything from different ways of building a fire, how to turn your pants into a floatation device if you end up in the ocean, how to make fire-starter sticks, signaling aircraft and rescue boats, what’s edible and what isn’t, etc. This training concluded with an optional survival trip. They put us on an island for three days and we had to pack everything we thought we would need to survive with into a three-pound coffee can… and that included our shelter. We were allowed to carry sleeping bags, though!”
No fair! I want to learn how to do all that stuff. I haven’t even been camping since freshman year of college.
Going Home
I stole this link from Scott Ruggels. It’s an awesome Dutch minimilist puppeteer. Go to “filmpjes” and watch away!
http://www.xs4all.nl/~lrvk/lejo/
Yesterday was my last day at Long Wharf. It was very nice and everyone at the theater has been extremely supportive of me and my decision to leave. Bill the props carpenter got me an AWESOME Cowboy Bebop T-shirt. It was funny, too, because I had just recently been scouring the internet searching for one, but all the ones I found were either:
a) Horrible or uninteresting designs or
b) Images of Faye in a lewd pose
I never thought to look at Hot Topic.
Anyway, these next couple of days will be full of packing and pre-moving stress. I am happy to be going home, but I am very tired and don’t feel like deciding the next step in my life. I have a web design job lined up to bring in a little bit of money, but I’ve always hated job hunting. Anyway, I probably will be fine once I get a bit of rest, I have much to do when I get home!
IdiotCam©
I’m very excited that Brendan has made an archive of the IdiotCam©. It’s always been one of my favorite things about his journal, and it was ever a sad thing when a really good one would end its run and be replaced, thus being lost to the internet forever. But now they are all there and ripe for the viewing!
Brendan’s IdiotCam© inspired me to get a webcam way back when, where I decorated my own site with silly images until moving around got too much for it. Maybe I should pick it back up, you know, since just about everything cool I’ve ever done I’ve copied from Brendan.
Anyway, I highly recommend the Plastic Mullet Series (that $5 has paid for itself and then some). Blam! http://www.flickr.com/photos/brendanadkins/sets/72157600140681624/