Tag Archives: lost entries

Personal Blog

Insight 1

I figured out why I’m terrified of children.

They remind me of how I am incapable of taking care of myself. Well, part of myself, at least. It is like, I get nervous around children, because I think, “Oh God, what if one of them starts crying.”

Because you see, if a child started crying, I would be literally unable to react. I wouldn’t know what to do! I would look around awkwardly and shuffle my feet and possibly raise my hands in helplessness. People sometimes think I would be a natural at comforting children, but it is simply not the case. I do this to myself often, when the little neglected emotional child part of me starts crying.

Often, when I am troubled, I go nosing other people for comfort, because I do not know how to comfort myself, yes? Much like I would seek desparately for another adult to take care of the crying child, because I simply can’t do it. Not like “oh take care of this because I don’t want to deal with it,” but that I just can’t

It is a problem. But at least I know that my fear of children is only because of an association I make with myself. Somehow it doesn’t make me feel much better.

Personal Blog

Summer Review

Lisa, you used to update so frequently, what happened?

Well, I guess I got in the mindset that I shouldn’t do journal entries until I got all my Japan photos up, but I don’t think that’s reasonable anymore. Hopefully I’ll get them all up before the new year. So, how bout an update?

My new job is very good. I enjoy what I do, and the people I work with and the environment I work in is very positive and supportive. It’s a good place for me to be right now, while I work on personal things, and I don’t think it’s an accident that I wound up here. For the moment I’m doing quite a bit of programming, which I never thought I would enjoy as much as I do.

This summer was wonderful. I spent most of it working with Will on his infamous “secret project,” through which I have learned quite a few new skills. No you can’t see it yet. It’s not done. No no, it’s not going to be one of those projects that gets abandoned as we get distracted and work on other things. It’d better not be, at least *threatening glare*

The downside of the summer was my mysterious illness I posted about awhile back. It turned out it was just a viral thing that had to be waited out afterall, but the doctor put me on steroids for the pain, which was almost just as bad as the pain itself. It also fell inconveniently during the end-o-summer 2 week Workathon on aforementioned secret project. That didn’t turn out so bad, though, because the steroids made my carpal tunnels all better, so I could draw a bunch and not be in pain. Also, Will made for a good nurse in the more unpleasant reactions to my medication (thanks for that).

The upside of the summer is that I have become obsessed with cooking. Brendan wants me to start a recipe blog, but I dunno. I have a lot of site work to do, and I don’t want to go starting up new journal notebooks when my main site is so far behind in the overhaul schedule. Either way, cooking real food is a blissful new hobby, and any recipe suggestions for me to try out are very welcome.

In other news, D Flo has a new internet thing going on that is super awesome. Thinking of how successful Brendan’s Anacrusis turned out, I suggested D Flo do a similar project with his music, like 1 minute compositions. Thus, Miscelletudes. Go and watch. LJ feed here . My own follow-up project to this is that I will pluck these little 1 minute songs and make little 1 minute animations to go along with them, as practice. I have to set a goal deadline to start on that project.

So, all in all, things are going well, and I am trying very much not to take that for granted.

Personal Blog, With Retrospective Commentary

I hate everything

2014 Lisa Commentary – so this is an interesting post for me to stumble across. This incident was the start of the horrible half year of doctor hand-offs that eventually wound up with me getting diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It ended up not being costochondritis at all, of course, which is why the anti-inflammatories didn’t work. It just ended up being a super severe flare-up, exacerbated by the fear and stress of not knowing what was happening to me. I’ve had a couple of flare-ups this bad since then, but they are tempered by the knowledge that it’s just my body being stupid.

It’s funny, looking back on posts like this, and posts before this from undergrad and the theater where I was in pain all the time, and thought maybe it was carpal tunnel or just being overly worked or stressed out. In hindsight the clues are all there, but at the time I really did just assume that being in some amount of pain all the time was just normal, just existing. I was always quick to pass it off as no big deal and berate myself for complaining.

So, I’m sick, right? Costochondritis–inflammation of the cartilage that connects the ribs to the sternum. Viral infection. Whatever, it’s been a week and I’m no better and the anti-inflammatories don’t work anymore.

Before anyone wags their finger at me, yes, I am going back to the doctor. I have an appointment today at 1:30 like a good little girl.

So I knew last night that laying down hurts worse than standing or sitting, so I was kind of putting off going to bed. I was tired, though, so when I did lay down I was able to fall asleep without too much fuss.

3:38 a.m. — Some people were outside arguing and it woke me up. Or maybe the pain woke me up. Possibly both. Either way, it was clear that this whole “laying down” business just wasn’t going to work anymore. I couldn’t breathe and it hurt. So I jammed all my pillows in the wall corner next to my bed and gave the sleep-sitting-up a try.

4:30 a.m. — Clearly, Lisa was not meant to sleep sitting up. Oh well, I’ll lay back down, maybe it wasn’t that bad, and I should get more sleep before work…

4:31 a.m. — No, that won’t work either. Back to sitting up.

5:00 a.m. — Okay, I’m obviously not sleeping any more tonight, may as well get up. Maybe I can watch the sunrise! *checks and see that the sun rises today at 7:01 a.m.* Goddammit.

5:05 a.m. — Well, since I’m up, may as well clean.

5:54 a.m. — Don’t have to be at work until 7:30..hmm….I haven’t updated my journal in awhile…

So anyway, no, there wasn’t much point to this except to complain. But I am in a lot of pain, and I feel it is sufficient reason to pull out my complaining card. I am just very very grumpy. I haven’t gone to Kempo for a week, and the lack of physical energy outlet is driving me up the wall. I’m like, well, I can’t go to Kempo, but I can’t go outside and run and play, because it hurts. I can’t stretch, because it hurts to move. I can’t do breathing exercises to try and relax, because it hurts to breathe. Grumble grumble complain complain wah wah wah.

Rest assured, though, other than this, life is good. Mostly good.

Personal Blog

Japan Trip Update Number 4: Stitched Pictures

This next entry is more for my own gratification than for easy viewing. You see, I am no photographer. I have no concept of proper composition and any of that, so when I am in a stunningly beautiful place with a camera, I tend to stand in one spot, and take a series of pictures in rotation, hoping to stitch them together in a panorama that is somehow closer to the true experience than one frame.

This never works.

Firstly, stitching photos together is no closer to being in the real place, and the end result just looks like…well…a bunch of photos stitched together. Secondly, the pictures are HUUUUUGE, and you can’t really view them in their entirety on screen. In this case, the thumbnails will probably be more interesting than the actual pictures. But, I still try my hardest. Some of them are pretty rough, others (like the bamboo forest) went together rather well.

Photo stitching

Personal Blog

More OpenCanvas Fun

More collaborative fun with Will. This post will lead in nicely to my next Japan post, which will be about critters.

A pair of tengu plot against the arrogant buddhist and samurai who have come to seek their badass martial arts training. Little do they know, there’s nothing that peeves a tengu more than arrogant samurai and monks.

Personal Blog

Japan Trip Update Number 2: Magical Corners

Most of the time, the first adjective that dribbles out after someone asks me “How was Japan?” is “beaauuutiful”, possibly accompanied by a little drool. There were a lot of pretty places, but what made them so special and charming was how neatly tucked away these places were in the totality of Japan. Wander across a university campus and stumble into a bamboo forest, or skip through a touristy castle ground with tents and booths and slip into a quiet little garden, ignored by the local tourists because it is not part of the exhibit.

Andrew calls these “Magical Corners,” in that you will round a corner and bump into a place of pure, magical beauty when you least expect it. Here are a few of those I wandered into…

Magical Corners

Personal Blog

OpenCanvas Interlude

“But Lisa, where are the rest of your Japan entries?”

Yeah yeah, I’ll get to those. Tomorrow I’ll have another one, I promise!

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to get to be able to host an OC session forEVER, and I FINALLY got it to work. So here’s some stuff from me and Will…

Personal Blog

Japan Trip Update Number 1

Well kiddie winkies, it’s that time! However, I am not going to do this “About-my-Trip” update in the usual sense. This is because everyone hates to read chronological accounts of trips. No no, don’t deny it, I know it’s true. It’s like telling someone about your dream–no matter how well you tell it, it’s never, EVER as exciting to other people as to you. So, I’ma update by topic! Pictures and stories will be all mixed up, but I’ll cover everything. And for those of you who insist, I will provide a chronological listing as my very last post.

Also, even though I’m putting them behind cuts for the LJers, I’m still doing linky thumbnails, cuz there are just lots of pictures.

Food!